I am sitting here, in a friend’s home, writing and trying to breathe easy. Life has not been easy, but maybe I will get cut a little slack when it comes to my breath. So as I breathe, I look around at the home of my friend, and I feel an anxious emptiness. The space is dark but comfortable, with breezes bringing in the noises of children playing outside. I have known this space for many years, as it is inhabited by the family of two of my very good friends. Yet still it feels lonely and makes me anxious.
Perhaps I am feeling this way, in this space, because things are relatively quiet and I have little forced distraction. And I know that when I don’t have distractions, I can get quite stuck in my own head. Were I talking with someone, busy with someone, or even simply in the same room as someone, I probably would feel less stuck in my own head and a little more distracted (in a good way). I don’t always want to be distracted, but when I am feeling as down and heavy as I am now, I would rather have my mind busied with other things.
Right now I feel a cocktail of sadness, anger, discouragement, anxiety, depression, and am just plain overwhelmed. As I told someone last night, “I cannot remember when I last felt this bitter about life.” It has become difficult to pay any attention to the good things that have happened recently. It feels as though I have been tossed around really difficult situations for some time now, and the waves will not calm down! When I think I am about to catch a break, I get pummeled into the sand by a whole new struggle.
It is difficult not to wonder how many more times I am willing to get pummeled.
It is difficult. Understatement of the century.
I am resting in God and his plan for me, however, as best I can. I know that God’s will is good and perfect. I also know that it is very different (as it should be) from my human will.
God, will you send calm through my mind and my spirit as I continue this battle? Will you continue to give me more strength and discernment, and carry me when I cannot depend upon my own legs?