This is not about to be any artful piece of writing, just fyi.
Right now I just have it in me to give a brief, journal-esque post.
My physical health is so up in the air right now. I honestly do not know how to explain the details of all that happened the past 48 hours without writing 5 pages. So, I will just sum it up to this: My doctors are contradicting each other. It is possible that I am having a relapse in hypothyroidism issues in addition to dealing with this new mystery illness. My hormones (thyroid, especially) are out of wack. I am suffering and I fear that my family is suffering because of me. I had a brain scan the other day. Maybe I will find another tiny piece to this puzzle on Monday. I am just so angry at not having any answers. So angry. But I do not know how to express my anger. Ergo, I write.
Oh, and one other medical thing I wanted to mention: I believe I may have Pseudobulbar Affect. This is a disorder that usually accompanies neurological problems in which one laughs and cries uncontrollably for no logical reason. Wait, don’t say anything yet: I know that probably everyone has had an instance of laughing or crying uncontrollably at a random moment. However, I have been doing so periodically over the past month and a half. For about two weeks, every time that I started to discuss my health situation with friends, I would burst into laughter that would go on intermittently for several minutes. And no, I did not think anything was funny. I was extremely distressed with my health but instead of crying or talking like a normal person, I laughed like a hyena. It was weird. And it continues to occur at random moments. Typically, it will happen when I am feeling especially emotionally tense. The only way that I will physically be able to relieve my tension is by laughing– loud, hysterical, hearty laughter that goes on and on. And sometimes, it turns right into tearful sobs. It is almost as if when I want to cry, I have to laugh first. Then I will feel emotionally fine– just dandy. Then a few hours or maybe a day later, it builds up and hits me once again.
Today, I was talking with my sister and she said something about “boogers.” Boogers… we both laughed. Well, she laughed for just a moment. After all, she is 17. How funny could something about boogers be? Unfortunately, once I (reminder: I consider myself a fairly mature 21- year-old) started laughing, my laughter went on. And on. And on. It continued for several minutes, causing my sister to get annoyed with me; So I tried to stop. I caught my breath. Then I spilled out devilish laughter even more… I was getting frustrated. It would not stop. I was not finding anything funny anymore, so why was I still laughing? Then I got upset. When I got upset, the laughter mixed with crying. I was laughing with tears streaming down my cheeks, because I was sad. And on and on it went, loud laughs, quiet sobs, etc. etc. until finally I was able to speak and breath like a (relatively) normal human being.
I cannot tell you how frustrating it is to not be able to express the emotions I am feeling.
I do not know for sure if this is Pseudobulbar Affect (PBA). But whether yes or no, what is currently happening with my emotions is neither normal nor pleasant. If it is in fact PBA, that may point more closely towards nerve damage and neurological issues.
Oh well. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I hate writing pieces that are not creative and eloquent, but I needed to get all that out of my system. When I feel like I am going insane, I have to turn back to this as a handy dandy coping skill.
Laughter and tears aside, I can rejoice in the fact that I made it through another day.
Goodnight fellow warriors.