Deep Sighs

I’ve had a good handle on my mental health for a few months now, and my physical wellbeing is threatening to end that golden streak.

I saw another doctor today. The 8th doctor I’ve seen in the last 3 months. She can’t quite put her finger on what is going on in my body but she thinks it may be multiple sclerosis or fibromyalgia.

If you are not familiar, both fibromyalgia and multiple sclerosis are chronic conditions. They present very similarily but are different in the long run. MS is degenerative, fibro is not. That is among one of the big differences between them.

At this point, whatever I have, I am fairly convinced that it is a chronic condition. One that may take years to diagnose correctly. One that people around me cannot see.

I do not know why God is allowing me to go through so much. I am only twentyone years old. Aren’t I a little too full of life to be diagnosed with depression, anxiety, hypothyroidism (autoimmune) and now be dealing with this new mystery illness?

It wears me down. I am a warrior. If I were going to give up, I would have done so a long time ago. I will fight on with all my might. But even warriors get tired and worn down. Even warriors question their cause, if only for a moment.

How can I keep my chin up? I’ve been doing so well with it thus far, but how can I KEEP it that way? How can I hold tight when everything feels so confusing, scary, isolating, and surreal at times?

Well until I get more sufficient answers, I guess I am going to go do yoga in my room and pray that I can cry. Yes, really, I need to pray that I am able to cry. I have so much to let out emotionally but my body just doesn’t want to make those precious salty tears.

 

Sigh. Well, thank you for reading and walking through this with me. It may be a little pathetic, but since I have so little physical community right now while I am away from school, my wordpress community has been one of the things getting me through these days.

 

Peace.

Wait– peace and love, too,

Tanya

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8 Responses to Deep Sighs

  1. I am moved by your post. I may not be able to relate to having a physical illness but I can relate to feeling like a warrior. I can relate to being tired of fighting, and wondering how you’re going to keep fighting, keep going. I can relate to the feeling of beginning to doubt and ask why? Why keep doing it when there’s no end in sight?

    I wish I had an answer for you, just like I wish I had an answer for myself all of the times that I sit alone and wonder that same question when I feel overwhelmed. I’ve never had a real answer for why, though. Not one that I can explain.

    Sometimes my why is because my cat needs more food in her food bowl. Sometimes it’s because there’s a song I really want to listen to, over and over again on repeat because it becomes my heartbeat. Sometimes my reason is so I can sit on the couch wrapped up in my sheet watching The Last Unicorn or whatever other movie I feel connects me to something. Sometimes it’s a quick text message to my mom or another loved one and seeing their reply of “I love you, too” which always is a confusing mix of pain and reassurance.

    My whys and hows are most likely very different from yours. It sucks, so much, when everything seems hard, and when there’s no definable reason, nothing that you can pinpoint or blame. It’s just Life, being hard, and annoying, and picking on us, and why can’t it find someone else for just a little while? Why can’t it be easy for once?

    And again, I don’t have an answer. For you. For myself. For anyone. In a way it sucks, but in another way it’s pretty awesome. If there’s no “right” answer, no answer at all, that means we can make up whatever answer we want.

    My reason for why I keep going, keep fighting, can be because I love my cat and I want to be able to cuddle with her and fill her food bowl when she’s annoying and won’t stop meowing at me. My reason can be because if I make it just a little longer, keep fighting just s smidgen more, I’ll get to have my alone time with my cup of coffee where I can forget about the rest of the world. My reasons can be whatever I want or need in the moment because there’s no “right” answer.

    When things get dark, it’s hard to remember why fighting is worth it. When we’re tired, when we feel beaten, when it starts to feel pointless. But it’s never pointless. And even if we don’t know the reason why, there’s always a reason. Sometimes it’s not until much later that we’re able to see it, or draw our own conclusion, and that can make it really hard during the present, but eventually it becomes clear. It’s always after we’re through the storm and we look back at the dark clouds, the ones we thought were blacker than the abyss, that we think that the clouds aren’t really all that dark and scary.

    I can’t give you answers, or reasons, but I can tell you that you are not alone. That I am fighting with you, and that hundreds of other people are fighting along side us. Every person living is fighting their own fight, facing their own trials, and at some point in everyone’s life they are faced with the same questions. What’s the point? Why keep fighting?

    It may feel like you alone, but you are very cared for, and you are very much not alone. I am standing with you. I am fighting with you. And even if our reasons for fighting are different, even if our monsters are different, we’re both still going to win, because we’re not going to give up.

    You will find something, even if it’s not a conscious thought. There will be something that makes you smile. Something that brightens your day. Some sort of light that cuts through the dark storm clouds and gives you hope. It will connect with something inside of you and you will find some crazy reserve of inner strength. You know, the one we never know we have, but always seems to magically show up when we need it most.

    All I can really say is keep being you, because you’re strong. You’ll make it through this, even if at the moment you don’t understand why or how. Winter is always followed by Spring even if it takes a little longer than we want for it to get here.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I really feel for you battling a physical illness at the same time as mental health problems. I hope it is not MS you are suffering from as although fibromyalgia is a life-limiting disease I know people who have it and there are ways to manage it. Sometimes you just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and going forwards even when you have little hope. I wanted to kill myself for many many years because of clinical depression but I am so pleased I battled on and didn’t do it as I am now happier than I have ever been. http://bit.ly/1ER5cLY

    Like

  3. Geo Sans says:

    during difficult times
    I thought
    of the patience
    of job
    ~
    and realized
    this was now
    my job

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Thank you. I am taking things one step at a time for as long as I need to.

    Like

  5. Heidi Jones says:

    Praying for you!🙏💜

    Like

  6. Thank you so much. Really 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. thank you so much!

    Like

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