I had a meeting with my parents tonight to discuss a rough plan for the next few months. And this is one of the things we decided: I will not be returning to university next semester.
I am devastated.
University is not just where I study, it is where my church is, it is where my community is, it is where my favorite coffee shops and outdoor havens are, it is where I have independence, it is where I make music, it is where I work, it is where I laugh the most.
Certainly my life thus far has been full of unplanned twists and turns. But never in my wildest nightmares could I have expected to need to take 3 semesters of medical leave from university.
I cannot even let myself consider, at this moment, what the next few months will look like for me. Because if I do, my brain may explode… Or I may accidentally punch a few holes in the wall.
Just putting that in all caps is not enough. I want to scream it! I want to climb on top of my roof and scream it until my voice is hoarse.
I usually try my best not to be angry with God, but right now I am just not feeling denial. I am angry. I am angry and I am hurt. And confused. Quite honestly, I am grieving. My mom pointed out to me tonight that it made sense that I was going through the stages of grief because I have actually lost my life, as I know it. I am desperately scrambling around trying to piece together something that looks like “life” but so far I feel as though I am trying to make a pile of shrapnel resemble the Taj Mahal.
…Ok, my life NEVER looked like the Taj Mahal. It looked more like the unorganized, spider-infested home of a starving artist. But still– right now what I got is shrapnel…
Fortunately, even though I’m angry with God right now, I know that while I cannot, he can actually make a Taj Mahal out of shrapnel. God can take the most dark and desperate of situations and use them to reflect his love and grace.
And I know that he is going to do that here. I know he is growing me and I know he has some glorious plans, but that does not mean I will be exempt from suffering. God is good, but nevertheless I am a citizen of a broken world.
I could go on for quite a while as I continue to try to process the new form my life is taking, but I think I will stop here with this little bit:
I am throwing questions at God.
And I am showing him my anger.
But I am still filled with a love for him
That is so funny, it has me still, through all of this,
Wanting to keep carrying my cross
And praising his name.
“Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath”
– Psalm 116:2