A Letter to Men of The American Dream

Dear Men of the American Dream,

I am writing to give you my two cents on a trend I find deeply disturbing, in hopes that it will encourage you to change your perspective and seek professional help.

I realize that you hold in high esteem the image of your home and property that you display to the world. It is important that you have your own home with its lush grassy yard and picket fence, perhaps a few trees for the kids to climb and of course a few lovely flower beds for your wife to tend to. You appreciate a freshly paved driveway on which to park your Acura when you come home from your 9 to 5 job (but can’t we all agree, we should really call it a 8 to 7 job because everybody thinks working 9 to 5 nowadays is plain lazy).

I can honestly appreciate your concern for public appearance. Women, we all know, spend a great deal of time making sure that their makeup and clothes and hair make them look presentable. Your care for your home and your yard is just a more masculine way of expressing how you worship the opinions of your community.

Now that you understand that I am not against you but rather concerned, let me bring this to my main point: I worry that you see the upkeep of your yard and lawn as a direct parallel to the size of your penis.

Over the years, I have heard my own father get upset over a number of masculine issues. These include concerns about not earning enough money to be the only financial supporter of his family, and concerns about being appreciated as the head of the household. But I have never seen my dad get so passionate as when our yard is not kept up to his and our male neighbors’ high standards.

Let me present a few examples so you can get a better idea: Once our lawn grew higher than desired because everyone in our family was busy and exhausted. My dad of course had the intention of mowing it soon but had not gotten around to it. Without warning, our next-door neighbor came over and cut the lawn. All of it! The front and the back. Instead of thanking him for doing us a favor, my dad proceeded to raise his voice at our neighbor for mowing our lawn, explaining that he had been busy but was going to get to it and it really wasn’t that long anyway and he really did honestly take good care of our yard.

Here is a more recent example: Every year around the end of November and the beginning of December my dad mows the lawn for the last time before the grass stops growing in the cold weather. My dad has been paying very careful attention to how the grass has been growing the past few weeks so he could choose the perfect moment to make the last cut of 2015. He made the final cut last weekend. Since then the grass has been delightfully short and I didn’t notice any issues with it, but perhaps that is because I am a girl.

Well this morning my parents went on a long walk with our dog, such is their Sunday tradition. While they were out I heard the sound of a lawnmower awfully close to my bedroom window. I thought that was funny—who would be mowing our lawn? It turned out to be John, the neighbor that my dad refers to as “The Mayor of Rosewood Avenue.” When I saw John, I had two thoughts: One, why on earth was he cutting our lawn when it was already so short? And two, oh shit—dad is not going to be happy.” My sister was quick to agree that dad would be displeased.

Sure enough, the moment that mom and dad walked in the door they asked who had cut the lawn. When I told them I had seen John cutting it, my dad quickly picked up the phone and dialed the “Mayor.”

I only heard one side of the conversation as my sister and I rolled our eyes, but it went like this:

“John were you mowing our lawn?… Well my kids said they saw you… Yes, but it was so short already! I mean of course I knew there was that one little spot that looked a bit funny and I was going to get it… You didn’t need to do that… I was going to get it… I saw that one spot, yes I did… I was planning on going right out and cutting it myself… Thank you… I was really about to take care of it myself… You didn’t need to do that… Happy holidays.”

As I listened to my dad gruntingly thanking John, I realized that what he was saying sounded a lot like this:

“John, were you measuring your penis out in the middle of the street again?… Well my kids said they saw you… John, the whole neighborhood already knows that your penis is of incredible length… I feel I should remind you, however, that my penis is just as long as yours… Well I can’t very well go and measure mine on the street now! You just measured yours so I will have to wait for my turn… Well thank you, yes I suppose you showing the neighborhood how large your penis is really makes the entire street look good… But I promise my penis is just as big as yours, I simply have trouble finding time to go out and measure mine when everybody is home to see… Yes I really can remember to do that without reminders… I think about my penis plenty without you bringing it up… Happy holidays.”

Now, men, I realize that size matters to you. But I think that professional help would be of value in this growing epidemic. A therapist could help you to understand that nobody thinks about the size of your penis as much as you do, and that nobody actually relates the care of your lawn to the size of your penis. If your neighbor mows your lawn for you without being asked, chances are that he is doing you a favor. Nothing like a spontaneous little Christmas gift! Of course there is a slight chance that he is unhappy with the upkeep of your lawn, but if he is that worried about it he is clearly trying to overcompensate for his own tiny genitalia.

I hope that this letter has been of help to you. There is absolutely no shame in seeing a therapist. I see one myself! In fact, the courage and confidence that it takes to see a therapist is much more admirable to most people than the work it takes to make your yard look pretty or your penis look big.

If you have any questions or comments, feel free to post them below. Additionally if you would like to get the name of a few highly recommended therapists in my area, I would be happy to help.

Oh and remember, this is coming from a woman who is attracted to men who have penises. Perhaps that will help you reshape your perspective.


Wishing you a joyous holiday,


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