I am all at once tired, weary, sad, tearful, angry and frustrated. But in the midst of all of this, even when I almost want to, I cannot stop chasing after God.
The last several weeks have been difficult. I have been thinking about this blog daily but it only makes me anxious to think about how long I have gone without posting… so anxious in fact that I am to nervous to write a new post. Now, clearly I am writing, and the motivation behind this is not to please my readers or myself or to bring popularity to my blog but simply to use as a coping skill. Much like I did when I first wrote on this blog, which just happens to be a year ago today. How ironic.
***Let’s take a moment to celebrate the 1st birthday of Dreaming The Questions. I haven’t always been a consistent blogger, but I’m not going anywhere. This blog has been too good of a friend for me to abandon.***
So, coping skills. I suppose this is where I write about everything that has been making me anxious and depressed, etc. etc. It’s hard to know where to start, so I’m just going to randomly pick a place and ask that you excuse the verbal vomit that is about to follow.
After my terrifying experience with marijuana, things have been completely shaken up in my life. God has reminded me of his position as the potter and has been vigorously smoothing out my self-inflicted wrinkles and molding me into the woman he wants… But OH, the growing pains!!! How it hurts so badly. God is so vey very present in my life and for that I am so grateful, but the work he is doing, though I would have it no other way, is so very very painful. God, why does it have to hurt so much?? Why does there have to be so much suffering and confusion and anxiety and mixed up thoughts as you draw me nearer to you?
I hit a point two days ago in which I realized that I’m becoming angry with God. I feel like David in the Psalms—in one stanza he is rejoicing in God and in another he is rebuking God for leaving him to suffer. It is not just I who is having a season of intense and painful growth. It is also my sister and my best friend (and people all around me) who are struggling with the burdens God is allowing them to carry, the spiritual attack he is allowing them to feel. I just want to shout out at God “I know that your hand is on me while I carry these burdens, Father, but it still hurts so much that I don’t know how much further I can go. I know that you are carrying me on your shoulders as Satan viciously attacks. I am glad to have you holding me, but the stings and the blows don’t seem to cease—in fact they are coming more rapidly like a fierce and vengeful army.
I don’t know how to explain further what I have been feeling… And believe me, I have been feeling a lot. A lot of emotion, a lot of distress, despair even. Crying, shaking, physical weakness (this is the first time I have experienced physical weakness as a symptom of anxiety), confusion, and so on and on it goes.
I guess that is my attempt at explaining things. It would take so long to explain things in more detail, and I have so much schoolwork to catch up on and time to spend with God. I am not giving up on God. Yes, I am annoyed with him and somewhat angry and I am tempted to doubt his strong presence that I have been feeling… But I am running and running and running to him still because there is nothing else in this universe that can hold me up like he can. I have to trust—and it is so hard—that even though I don’t feel his loving embrace right now, Abba is with me as much as ever and he will not stop caring for me and lighting my path step by step.
Now pardon me, I am going to stick my nose in the book of Psalms and soak up the tears of joy and anger that David pours out.