The last two days have been completely surreal and overwhelming. I did weed via edibles Wednesday night and I had no idea how strong it was going to be. Over 36 hours later, after vomiting, going to the ER, freaking out, and trying not to think about suicide, here I am. I am sitting in the basement of a coffee shop and I am trying to stay cool and composed as I write this chunk of my story so that I may later use it to glorify God.
The high has still not worn off completely. I still feel strange and out of touch with reality. However the anxiety has dwindled a good bit, I am no longer crying, and I am functioning pretty regularly. How long is this going to last? I don’t know. It could take a few more days to continue gradually wearing off. I hate the thought of that, but it is nothing I cannot handle. I am strong and beautiful and brave and I will get through this. This is a tiny mark on my life. It will not effect all of the days to come.
But, this is a huge mark on my spiritual being. This will, without out a doubt, add a big chunk to my testimony. When I was tripping hard, when the weed was at its strongest, it was very clear to me than God and Satan were fighting over me but the Holy Spirit was so present. I was freaking out and not in a completely coherent state of mind, but the Holy Spirit was bringing Bible verses to mind and encouraging me in such a strange but comforting way. I was scared out of my mind, I was vomiting, I felt like I was going to die, I was ashamed, I was so angry with myself… and yet through all of that I still felt the Holy Spirit’s love and grace, like his arms were wrapped around me not willing to go, because I, Tanya who got high again, am just as precious to Him as any Tanya or any creature for that matter. It was and is still a somewhat intense battle. Part of me thought I was going to die, but I knew that I wasn’t because I knew it wasn’t God’s time for me to go. Part of me wanted to die (depression, spiritual warfare) but through all of that and all of my fear, I knew that I did not want to hurt myself and that I am precious and unique and beautiful that I bring light and joy to this world.
As I said, I am still battling the effects of this drug. I am still uncomfortable and goodness I wish this would just go away immediately. But through all of this, I am staying strong and I will not give way to darkness. My Heavenly Father is being nothing but good and forgiving to me, and in a way I will explain in a future post, I think God is using this to save me from future mistakes and to build me up stronger for his kingdom. Friends, this really stinks. I absolutely hate it. And I am absolutely in awe of how very, very good my God is, and how far is grace extends no matter what.
Father is being nothing but good and forgiving to me, and in a way I will explain in a future post, I think God is using this to save me from future mistakes and to build me up stronger for his kingdom. Friends, this really stinks. I absolutely hate it. And I am absolutely in awe of how very, very good my God is, and how far is grace extends no matter what.