“One might say that its the end of an era”
As Monica and Rachel of wildly popular TV hit “FRIENDS” cried when Rachel moved out, so I said to my roommate Lara this morning.
My two other roommates from this past year moved out pretty quickly once summer started, but Lara and I stuck around soaking up the heat and the emptiness of our college town. I am the only one of us four who will be staying in this same apartment for the next year; same room, same bed… except I did switch mattresses with Lara today because just as she was leaving I discovered that her mattress was thick and cushy whereas mine was thin and plasticky. Hmmmph. How just of you, apartment complex. Anyway, I will be staying. And lonely as I will be for the next two weeks, perhaps that is a good thing. I took the liberty of painting a narwhal (among other images) on my bedroom wall a few months ago and I’m not quite prepared (emotionally or financially) to part and paint over it. I mean, this is serious stuff! I took a quiz on Zimbio last year and was told that my spirit animal was the narwhal. The loverly unicorn of the sea.
Now, narwhal’s and mattresses aside, I am feeling a slight sense of apprehension towards the coming two weeks before new roommates move in. I have been doing pretty well this summer, keeping myself relatively busy with downtown adventures, classes, and work. The last week or two, as you may remember if you read my blogposts, were pretty full of anxiety and brimming depression. I have managed to fight these gremlins off well, but not without the help of my handy dandy bottle of Klonopin. Now, I have finished my classes, Lara is gone, I am only working nights, and many people are out of town. Emptiness.
These all combine into a perfect breeding ground for discomfort and anxiety and depression. I will have to fight a good fight. I am scared but I am confident. Is that a paradox? I don’t think so– I am scared because I know this may be difficult for me, but I am confident because I KNOW that I will get through it! However much safety may have been taken from me with the leaving of Lara and the ending of classes, I cannot let myself forget that I am supported by innumerable safety pillars (from my church to my friends to my new job, and so on) that are just waiting to be leaned on.
I’m trying not to create a self-fulfilling prophecy and just wait for mental distress to peak. I’m keeping on with life– moving gracefully along with it.
In fact, here is a most excellent example of how I am not watching life pass by waiting for anxiety to come knocking: As soon as Lara left, I went to my (bragging moment) super clean room, stripped off my top and my shorts and sat down to paint. And then, as an act of freedom (and, full-bodied spirit— yes, pun intended) I took off my bra and my panties and painted an old box liberally at my desk. Ahhh. How scandalous, I know! But it was quite liberating… And short-lived. Probably won’t do that again anytime soon but hey, there’s one more thing to cross off my bucket list!
A rare comical post from yours truly. I like to think I’m witty. Laugh with me or laugh at me. Either way, enjoy.
Sincerely, Tanya (fully clothed)