Shame and Reverting to the Golden Basics

When I woke up this morning,

My body and soul were weary.

I did not want to wake up, yet again,

Because I didn’t want to embrace

All of the potential pain

That would come with a new day.

I spent last night at my church friends’ home again. I had been doing a bit better yesterday afternoon, but then the anxiety ripped into depression and left me alone in my apartment crying and distressed. I knew that staying alone in my apartment that night would only breed more anxiety and depression, so I left. I felt so ashamed to go back to my friends’ house even though they had offered it to me wholeheartedly. I felt so ashamed to eat their food yet again. I felt so ashamed to not be able to drive myself since I do not have a car. I just felt so ashamed and weak, yet angry with myself for trying to gain strength from the love of others.

Sometimes anxiety and depression just flood in and it is hard to fight them off on one’s own. In this particular scenario, I didn’t really know why I had become depressed. I knew that I had been very anxious for several days, but there was no one thing that I could pin as a trigger. Fortunately there were no suicidal feelings, even though what I was feeling was justifiably painful.

This was not something that I should have tried to battle on my own. Often I worry about being too dependent on other people. Well yes, codependence is unhealthy, but I should be 100% dependent on Christ. And codependence is an entirely different matter than dependence on Christ. It is Christ who I go to when I am in a dip such as this, because I really am not supposed to work through difficulties on my own. No human is. And although I am ashamed to have asked other humans for help, I believe that their help to me was just one version of Christ putting his hands on me and guiding me through the tunnel.

……………………………………………………………………………………………….

Sometimes I just know it is time to resort to the golden basics in mental self-care:

  • Three Affirmations:
  1. I will not be ashamed for asking for help—in asking for help, I am showing myself love.
  2. I will not be ashamed of accepting help—in accepting help, I am showing myself love.
  3. I am quick to love and support those around me who are hurting. So, I will show myself the same gracious heart that I show to others.
  • Ten Things I Love About Me:
  1. I am creative
  2. I am generous
  3. I am adventurous
  4. I do not give up easily
  5. I am ambitious
  6. I am thoughtful
  7. I am caring
  8. I am a good writer
  9. I am hardworking
  10. I have a beautifully unique perspective
  • Ten Coping Skills To Get Through the Rough:
  1. playing piano
  2. praying
  3. painting
  4. holding my guinea pig
  5. cooking
  6. doing yoga
  7. getting sunshine
  8. surrounding myself with people
  9. calling a friend
  10. going for a run
  • 5 Bible verses for rough times:
  1. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” – Luke 12:9
  2. “From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint. Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe.” – Psalm 61:2,3
  3. “For I am convinced the neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” – Romans 8:38,39
  4. “If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.” – Psalm 139:9,10
  5. “Look, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.” – Isaiah 49:16

………………………………………………………………………….

Peace, Tanya

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