Oh how I need you. Oh how I need you. Lord, I am absolutely lost without you. Continue to brand my soul with your truth. As Satan tries to spit lies into my ears, to inject them into my veins, Lord overpower all of that within me. Make your truths so loud and mighty that they may drown out all else.
Abba there is a lot that I do not understand about myself. I must remember that you know every grain of my being. And you love me dearly still. There is nowhere I can go where you will not go also—for you said “even there my hand will guide you, my right hand will hold you fast” (Psalm 139).
I knew that depression and anxiety had not left me forever. After such a long period of generally low levels of anxiety and depression, and being positive and proud of myself, alas I feel the shadows of mental health have set upon me again.
I have not posted a mental health journal style post recently, mostly because I have been doing so well. But today I am reminded of the original purpose for which I created this blog: a coping skill, to aid my walk to mental well-being.
I just spent the night at the home of an older couple from church and woke up feeling depressed. In fact I did not want to wake up. My reasoning for spending the night at their home was because I could feel the anxiety and depression building up and I knew that if I spent Saturday alone in my apartment, things would only get worse. So they picked me up last night and, as always, showered me with love and kindness. Their home is my home, they made clear. And we talked for a while and then headed to bed.
Now how did I wake up, in this house filled with the Holy Spirit, feeling discontent and unhappy and empty and just plain depressed?
I just know that I want to go back to sleep, to ignore the world around me. But that would be feeding into the depression and feeding into Satan’s lies. I feel a need to cry but I am not going to let myself get into a crying binge while here at my friends’ house. Ahh but crying or not, I just want to bury my head in my hands and not do anything else. But, I will do one other thing:
I will talk to my God. Because He will bring me through everything. He has brought me through so much already, and my leaning on him will only produce the richest fruit.
“Look, I have inscribed you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me.” – Isaiah 49:16