The semester is over. yay.
Can’t sense my excitement? That would be because I’m not really feeling it.
It was a phenomenal accomplishment for me to get through this past semester without any mental health breakdowns or visits to the hospital– a true testament to how strong I am and how much potential I have.
So, yes, I was glad when I walked out of my last exam, but I haven’t really taken much time to pat myself on the back.
This summer is going to be very different from all of my previous 20 summers. However, it may be similar to those twenty in that it is causing me anxiety. I am not going on a big trip this summer. In fact, I am not even going home. I am staying put in my college town for most of the summer. I’m not taking classes (this month), friends are wandering in and out of town, everything is more quiet than before, and I am working a new job.
This is my fourth day working at a cute restaurant by campus. I can’t complain much– the atmosphere is comfortable, I get an employee discount, the restaurant is close to where I live, and I am finally working as a waitress. That said, I can complain a little… many of my coworkers are outright jerks (I have to learn to not take ANYTHING they say to me personally), sometimes I don’t get home until 3:30am, and I’m not 100% sure I’m cut out for a waitressing job.
I am a friendly and sociable person. I enjoy meeting new people, sharing life stories, and making them feel at home. I am also an anxious person with self-esteem issues. I get flustered very easily, and my confidence can drop from 80 to 0 in 2 seconds.
I think that somebody should write a book titled something like this:
“How to be a waitress (saleswoman) when you have an anxiety disorder, self-esteem issues, and are ridiculously self-aware”
I would certainly read it. I would probably read it 10 times through. In fact, I’ll probably read it 100 times, editing and all, because I will probably go ahead and write it. (no, I’m not expecting it to be a New York Times Best Seller, but hey if a book like Twilight can be popular, I think my idea stands a chance)!
When I’m working, I am very aware that I want to make the largest possible amount of money in tips that I can, and therefore be as close to perfect as I can be. As we all know, this isn’t such a great goal for me– perfection, I mean. All it can take is one abrupt scolding from a manager, one annoyed look from a guest, one tip under 20% and I shut down, trying to think my way out of the next 4 hours on the job.
This is a great learning experience for me, I know, because there are struggles like this in all professions… I’m just trying to learn and adjust without keeling over. New job, new community, new summer plans, etc. etc.
I’ve been doing really well mentally and emotionally the last few weeks. Now is where the challenge really kicks in.
I’ll approach this all again tomorrow… because I have to be back at work in 9 hours and I should probably get some sleep.
Advice and prayers welcome!!