Making It

Well, I made it through the first day of the semester.

I woke up with my first alarm (victory number one), and then I got ready quickly (victory number two) and grabbed coffee with my mom. (the victories continue, but I’m not going to count them all 🙂

Then, as my mom began the long trek home from my school, I sat in a cozy little coffee shop focusing on God and acknowledging his sovereignty in my life.

After that, I had 5 classes. Actually, I’m supposed to have 6 classes each Monday… which is a lot, but tuesday should be relaxed.

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Anyways, yes, I did make it through. My main cheerleaders/ columns of strength on this day were: Klonopin (gonna be taking that baby quite a bit this week), and Jesus. I am realizing how very important, at this point in my life, after all I’ve gone through, it is that I prioritize my relationship with Jesus Christ over everything and maintain my faith in him. When I first went to the hospital for my suicidal depression and anxiety last spring, I really felt that God was using that time to bring me on my knees into full faith in him. Faith is really hard. Really, really, excruciatingly hard, but amazingly fruitful over time.

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My mom, as we were talking on our way to drop me off this weekend, dropped some valuable nuggets of wisdom that I will hold dear in my soul:

– I told her that I was visualizing future situations occurring in the most negative ways possible. She asked me, “Where do you see Jesus in all of this?” And I said, “Well… I don’t really think about that.” So today, I carried a little slip of paper in my pocket that said “Jesus is with you” and envisioned Jesus holding my hand when I got anxious. I want to continue to do this– it is very empowering and a good reminder of what is unseen but very real.

– She said to me “your only audience is Jesus,” and I responded saying “Yes, and nothing I do could possibly make him love me any more or any less.”

– My mom also told me, and this was of unbelievable comfort to me (and later mirrored by my dad), “Your options are endless. If you don’t do well in an audition, that is okay. If you get tramp stamps and tattoos and have sex, that is okay. If you have to quit school and come home and work, that is okay. I don’t mean that I am in favor of those things, but I mean that anything you could possibly do would be better than you ending your life.”

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Wow. That makes me feel almost like the prodigal son. I am unbelievably loved by my God, my parents, and others in my life. And what my mom said is true– no matter what, God is with me, and no matter what, my parents’ love and support are with me.

And, if I prioritize Jesus over everything (over school, over music, etc. etc…. and no, I don’t have to be super anal about it, but it is important to me), he will makes things work for the best.

So all that said, I am still anxious. I am overstimulated, I am tired, I am nervous, I am annoyed with some of my Christian friends.. and I am rejoicing in this day and the strength that God gave me to get through it.

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P.S. I am so very grateful for you, bloggers. I know that relationships between bloggers aren’t often very deep, as we communicate simply through a few online messages. That said, just knowing that people hear what I am saying, offer encouragement, and are going through similar struggles– that is a gift. And I know that it will continue to be extremely enlightening as I fight through this semester.

Thank you

Love, Tanya