A woman, a devil, and a substitute angel: a play of the consciences

I’m tired and grumpy and angry with myself. Hello, overwhelming negative thinking, it’s GREAT to see you here again (NOT).

So, in case you’re interested, here is the recent dialogue between me and little Tanya Devil sitting on my left shoulder (Tanya Angel, on my right shoulder, decided to sit this one out):

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

(Curtain opens, young woman is sitting in a chair with a small she-devil leaning over her shoulder)

Devil: Did you seriously stay up until one thirty AM to watch more “Friends” episodes? You lazy whore! Don’t you know that you have to get ready for the semester, and pack, and practice, and get your shit together? Please– you keep telling yourself that Netflix binges aren’t good for you, yet you keep going back to them. Reallllllllly smart.

Me: Ok, well thanks for the encouragement, but I’m just going to try to depressively sleep everything off now.

Devil: Sleep? You want to sleep? You didn’t get out of bed until 11:30 this morning, and then you decided to watch more episodes of “Friends.” So please tell me: why you are tired?

Me: I don’t know, I just am. I mean it is the end of my Christmas break– is it so wrong that I want to relax?

Devil: You aren’t relaxing– you’re wasting your life! Your parents get up early every morning to go make money to pay for your school and your food and your lazy ass free time and… Get up and do something constructive for once in your life.

Me: …I’m too tired. and depressed. And angry at myself. I think it would be easier to just give up than try to get things right.

(Devil tries to open her mouth, but suddenly, out of nowhere, a little angel flies into the picture and distracts her).

Angel: (in an annoyingly squeaky voice) Hey there, I’m the substitute angel since yours is apparently not doing her job right now. But anyway, what were you talking about? Oh yes! What do you know of “right?” Who knows what “right” is? Why do you have to be “right?” What if you do make a bunch of mistakes? What if you do waste some of your life? What is so wrong with that? Pheww… that was a lot of questions. But you are working hard and doing the best you can.

Devil: Well if that IS the best you can do… then you really are a stupid whore.

Me: I’m trying not to think of myself like that, so if you’d just stop please–

Devil: Phhhhbt. Stop? You secretly want me to keep attacking you.

Me: (trying to ignore SD) Substitute Angel, I don’t think you understand. Maybe I don’t know what is “right,” but I feel I need to know in order to keep going! I’m living blindly, don’t you see!

Devil: Well THAT’S funny. how can you “see” if you’re living blindly?

Angel: Tanya, I do know how you feel. Life’s hard… I mean, I’m an angel, so I wouldn’t really know, but I’ve heard that life is really really hard.

Devil: Wow, you’re deep

Angel: But I think I understand, at least a little bit! There are so many different ways and paths that people consider ‘right” or “wrong.” There are the “moralistically” right things, the desirably “right” things… but nobody really agrees on what those are. You desire sleep, but morally you think that desire is wrong since you think you have no reason to be tired. You think that morally speaking, it is right for you to do constructive things the majority of the time, but you desire rest and mindless relaxation…. So how do you know what is really “right?” You don’t.

Me: Exactly! I don’t know what is “right.” And I’m not okay with that.

Angel: Tanya, obsessively searching for what is “right” and constantly trying to be perfect is not healthy. If you keep doing this, you will torture yourself for the rest of your life.

Devil: (in a mocking voice) torture, torture, torture, Hah!

Angel: Oh, look at that. I have to go substitute for someone else’s angel. Tata!

(SA dissappears suddenly).

Devil: RUDE…Well THAT was helpful. Alright now back to what I was saying: stupid whore! dumb whore! stupid whore! dumb whore! You never do anything with your time. When was the last time you won an award? When was the last time you didn’t forget to do something important?

Me: Stop! You know what, I really hate myself right now, but I think I hate you even more. I’m going to get rid of you for good.

Devil: Oh, I don’t think it’s going to be so easy. I’m a part of you.

…………………….

to be continued

……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

As my psychiatrist would say about my self-hatred, “you’ve really made an art out of that, haven’t you?”

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s