Fat

Looking in the mirror

for the 20th time today,

I am not happy;

I see Fat.

And when I see Fat,

I am Fat.

If I can grip

between two fingers

one tiny roll,

I determine that

is what I amount to,

forget the rest of my body, heart, and soul.

Being back home,

this anxiety rises.

Breakfast, lunch, dinner, snacks-

all opportunities

to worry about Fat.

I’m sick of the obsession,

it wears me down,

but I can’t seem to rid it;

I feel a need to trim down.

Am I a glutton,

finding comfort in food,

or am I healthy

with a nice figure to prove?

………………………………………

I just deactivated my Facebook. Comparing my figure to those of others is a terrible trap. I am tall and muscular and big-boned. I am not a stick, but deep down in my heart I know I am not “Fat.” But the main issue here is that I worry about it so much– I don’t allow myself to enjoy food, or even enjoy my day, without thinking I need to have less fat on my body. Why does being chubby or overweight or chunky at all scare me so very much? It is probably connected with my deep longing for perfection. But what is perfect? What is beautiful? What is healthy?

I want to push away this fear, this obsession and just enjoy the Christmas season. But when I sit down and feel a roll of fat, it fills me with disgust.

I shall figure this out and learn to love and enjoy myself better.

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6 Responses to Fat

  1. Though I’m not a girl. I walk in the same shoes. I understand. But c’mon don’t let the healthy exterior starve the beautiful interior ๐Ÿ™‚

    Like

  2. I think I need those last few words on a poster in my room. Thanks ๐Ÿ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  3. jinx0923 says:

    If you figure it out please share. What’s really bad for me is that I stress and feel bad about it…but never do a friggin thing to fix it ๐Ÿ˜›
    Damn the media for creating these insecurities!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. jameskolt85 says:

    Crazy that i scrolled across this at the moment i did. I can understand 100 percent how that feels. Thank you for the inspiration

    Like

  5. I’m glad you got something out of these words. Thank you for letting me know.

    Like

  6. Honestly, I don’t think there is any concrete solution. Focusing on positive-self talk and learning to love myself are helpful. And, of course, eating healthy and exercising healthily doesn’t hurt. But it is certainly a terrible struggle that society and media push on us. Best of luck as you continue on your journey to love yourself (your body) better. Right now, because I’m busy with school again, I hardly have time to think about my weight anymore. But I know this issue will come back again at some point. So if you, too, have any advice, please do share.

    Loving ourselves well is one of the most difficult thing yet one of the most beautiful things in the world.

    Like

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