Today I smoked weed for the first time ever. It was something that I had been battling for a while– to keep my morals or try something a little rebellious? Well, I chose the latter. The actual high wasn’t bad; I made some pretty sick oil pastel art and wrote an interesting poem… But I can’t help but still feel conflicted. I am at a loss for what my identity is. Am I a Christian young woman with strong morals? Am I a depressed person who can’t get her life together? Am I a rebel without a cause? Am I a rebel with a cause? Am I all of the above?
I wish I had a tighter grasp on who I am, who I “should” be (yeah, I know “should” isn’t such a good word, but I’m expressing how I’m feeling), and who I want to be. It’s a struggle.
And while I work through this struggle, I also work with old and new waves of self-contempt. I mentioned to my psychiatrist today that I was struggling with self-contempt, and his response was “You’ve made quite an art out of that.” Hmmm… that was not encouraging. But it’s true and it’s frustrating….
I’m back to just feeling plain confused about life, myself, and my recovery.
Here are five positive things I will cling to in the midst of this confusion:
1. I have many friends who I can go to with my struggles
2. My parents are very caring and encouraging and love me unconditionally
3. I am very wise and have been using great coping skills
4. I have so many gifts, and so much to bring to the world!
5. I am still a kind, loving person who makes many good decisions. That hasn’t changed yet, and it probably won’t change, even if I have smoked pot and been drunk.
Major goal for near future: tackle self-contempt!