I have an obsession with “right.” A serious, unhealthy obsession. Let me explain:
I woke up today at 12:00pm, noon. Because of this I decided that I was not spending my day in the proper, “right” way, that I was wasting my time sleeping and watching TV. I proceeded to question if that means I am wasting my life. Then, in the back of my head, bundles of anxious questions bubbled up like a chemical reaction– “If I’m on medical leave and not in school right now, does that mean I’m wasting my time? Is school actually important? Is school how I should spend 30+ years of my life? Is school the “right” way? If I graduate and get a job and have kids, is that the “right” way to live? Should I devote every moment of my time to helping people, is that “right”? Does anyone even know what the “right” way to live is? And, as it seems that the answer to that question is “no”, what is the point of life?
^^^ Philosophy lesson bundled into a paragraph. (After all, isn’t a philosophy lesson just exploring the questions people ask without ever coming to firm conclusions?)
So now you have a tangible idea of this terrible, horrible, no good, very bad obsession of mine. I sometimes feel very stuck in this obsession, this mindset, like it is controlling me. I use it, or it uses me, to “should all over myself” (it’s very uncomfortable) to the point of paralysis. I end up not knowing how to spend my time because I don’t know what would be “right.” I don’t want to do what isn’t “right,” because when I think I’m doing what isn’t “right, or at least not specifically doing what IS “right,” I boil over with hot self-contempt.
So, it’s about 3:00 and I’ve only been up for three hours. In my mind, this is not the “right” way to do my day… but in the grand scope of things, what does it matter? I’m on medical leave, I’m keeping up my hygiene, my room is clean, and I’m still being social….
“Life” is confusing.