I feel smothered.
I have been putting up so many safety nets for myself… that now I’m choking in them.
Which is a bit ironic after all; I mean, the safety nets are supposed to lower the chances of my suicide, not increase them.
Now hear me out– I am not going to kill myself. My main reason for that right now is simply because I know I have the ability to help many other people who are struggling. Like Mother Teresa, I will struggle my whole life, but that will not stop me from helping others in their struggles. I won’t give up.
Sometimes I want to give up. It is really difficult to live in my head like I do. There is a lot of goodness here though, and I don’t want to miss out. And rather than thinking of it as “giving up,” sometimes suicide seems like a potential option in another way. For example, when I feel smothered by perfectionistic Christian people who overwhelm me with their attempts to save my life here. That is when I wonder if suicide might just be a good way to, rather than giving up, just say “FUCK YOU, you couldn’t save me bitches.” Simply to rub it in their faces and punish them.
But that’s probably definitely 100% a very very bad idea.
Yesterday I met with one of my church pastors and with a roommate. Both of them really care about me. But both of them, as goodhearted as they are, are crossing major lines and boundaries with me. Thank God for HIPAA. I can’t stand it anymore. My roommate, who is also my small-group leader (of the group I INVITED HER TO JOIN…..) and good friend and potentially my recovery group leader, is acting like MY FUCKING MOTHER THERAPIST HEALER GOD. I can’t deal with it anymore. I have to be assertive– that’s going to be the big struggle for me.
I want safety nets and I want healing, but I am so conflicted I can hardly believe my brain hasn’t popped.
I was sharing in group therapy about this today, and I told someone “I’m just so sick of Christians!…. I want to rebel and go get high for the first time!” I am a Christian, and I do not smoke pot. However, this overwhelming churchy Christiany smotheryness is hurting me and pissing me the *^$& off. It makes me want to run away from God and run to all rebellious things just to say “I haven’t killed myself yet…. I’m independent… Oh yeah, and F*** you”