dis[COURAGE, dear heart]

I am so discouraged!

I’m stuck in these horrible thought cycles and thinking traps, and right now I do not see myself ever really getting out of them. One of these harmful thought cycles, for example, is when I try so hard to avoid failure (and achieve perfection) in the way that I live my life, that (since nothing is actually perfect, and anything less than perfect I tend to consider failure) everything looks like failure and feels like failure to a point that is seemingly unbearable. By trying to avoid failure, I feel only failure. Now, an example of a thinking trap would be, “Oh crap, here I am again. I’m never going to get out of this. I’m never going to be able to really change.” By thinking those things, I am making them true– meaning if I stop trying to change because I tell myself “I will never really change,” then of course change will never occur. It’s hard for me to believe otherwise to my satisfaction.

AGGHHHHH I hate the way I think sometimes! Remember me previously mentioning wanting a lobotomy??!!

I am so exhausted.

Today my therapist said that while being on medical leave, I need to take this time to rest and move slowly and love myself and take things easy. Unfortunately, I have a very difficult doing so without feeling guilty and invalid.

Today my therapist also said that it’s obvious I know how to talk about what’s going on, and I know the right things to say, the things that she wants to hear. But what we’ve been talking about the past few weeks has mostly just stayed on the surface. I’ve been polite and said the things I’m supposed to say, but we haven’t connected on a deep level that therapists and patients need to connect on. And I haven’t taken all of the powerful things that I’ve said talked about, and really applied them to my heart and soul.

Now I don’t want to beat myself up, because I beat myself up and tear myself down so quickly and viciously. Although I have more things to work on, I have made many positive strides recently.

As long as I am here on earth, there will always be ways that I can “go further,” “get better,” “grow more.” I am just a human and I can’t hold myself to such excruciatingly high standards.

To finish this off, I want to say ten things about me that I love!

1. I love that I am strong

2. I love that I am hardworking

3. I love that I am passionate

4. I love that I am a good writer

5. I love that I am creative

6. I love that I have great capacities for joy and silliness

7. I love that I am sensitive

8. I love that I am a deep thinker

9. I love that I am a caring person

10. I love that I don’t give up easily.

My two positive affirmations for the day:

1. I can be excellent without being perfect.

2. I am at peace with myself (not yet true, but I’m working on getting there).

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2 Responses to dis[COURAGE, dear heart]

  1. betternotbroken says:

    Keep up the good work!

    Like

  2. Thank you! I will keep pushing forward

    Liked by 1 person

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