enjoying the enigmatic

I feel content today, and I feel like crying. My hands are almost shaking as I type this now. They feel odd, and I’m not sure if that is because of the emotions flowing through my veins, or if it is just a side effect of the medication I am taking. Life is beautiful. I honestly believe that right now. Last night before I went to bed, I made a list of 20 things that make me happy. Parts of it were hard, but I had to understand that happiness doesn’t equal perfection. It doesn’t always come from huge, monumental things. Happy things often come in small packages. I think that’s kind of awesome.

Some of the small things that make me happy are: the smell of snow and cold weather, the smell of wood fires, strangers smiling at me, being inspired by observing people being inspired in coffee shops… you get the gist.

I think I am going to make a habit of making short lists of things that make me happy. Maybe my goal will be to make two short lists each week. And just think– in a year, I will be surrounded with this positivity.

Now, I don’t believe this positivity practice is a cure for depression. Being happy is often much more difficult than it seems, especially when there is a chemical imbalance in your brain, especially when your head is constantly acting as a battlefield between self-loathing, self-loving, and millions of raiding thoughts. That being said, just simple practices that force positive thinking are still essential for not losing that brain battle, not giving into suicidal thoughts.

I don’t know why I feel like crying right now. It may be because I am still technically depressed. It may be because life is beautiful. It may be because I really don’t know what to think. I think I feel almost happy right now. But I almost forget what “truly happy” feels like… Oh well. Pity party finished. This feeling, whatever it is, is not making me want to harm myself (in fact, I haven’t had that urge for almost 3 days now. For me, that is a really big deal). So I’m going to ride this feeling for all that it’s worth, floating on its enigmatic wings.

Enjoy your Sunday. Peace.

Tanya

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